While trying to write and think about how to frame a proposal I've come up with relating to value added tax on books (19% here in Chile), I've come face to face with one of my greatest fears... something, that although not precisely disturbing and in spite of my ability to recognize it, I'm still not quite skilled enough at managing... I´d perhaps describe it as the tension that I perceive when planning for and coming up with alternatives to get from where I am, at this moment in time, or more precisely, where I just previously left off, to where I imagine i'd like to be or where I feel I need to be a few years into the future. [now that i'm looking over my initial handwritten draft, the confusion seems more comprehensible, but i'll continue]
I imagine that the relative ease with which i'm currently able to recognize this emotional conflict/opportunity probably has to do with the fact that recently I've been spending the larger portion of my time engaging in activities which I enjoy and simultaneously believe to be both necessary for my professional development and personal growth. [a light pat on the back and a brief search and description of the cause of those emergent thoughts/emotions]
Somehow being engaged in those activities has enabled me to reaffirm/confirm/modify my personal views about my place on this planet, the relationships I currently have with the few people I interact with and by extension it seems, about how I ought to behave in order that my brief presence here have the least possible negative impact on all the living organisms and life sustaining systems i either come into contact with directly or whom/which i, through the decisions i make consciously or otherwise, indirectly affect in ways i can/can´t imagine/possibly imagine respectively and respectfully. [remembering that i´m not alone, that i am in fact part of something far bigger than myself]
When faced with such a seemingly simple task [writing about a topic i know relatively little about so far, a task which I myself put forth, it seems odd, given that I believe myself to be, in general, someone capable of making unique observations and divining insights which at their best happily surprise others, that it would be/is so difficult to concentrate/focus on the present in order that i might bring to bear the talents i've nurtured and skills i've practiced during the last decade, if not more, of my life in a single session of creative expression. [some more confusion with some self doubt thrown in for good measure and ending with a brief evaluation of my self worth]
The only conclusion, if you'd call it that, is that I still have a lot of work to do on this self assigned project and work to do in cultivating a sense of patience and clarity of thought/action before i'll feel more comfortable about handling the uncertainty that seems to naturally accompany any creative endeavor, including this pilgrimage called being human. [at this point i was coming to the end of the page and since i like to keep one idea on one page i had to wrap it up quick. i remind myself to be more patient, give myself more time and that i needed to get back to work/living]
In conclusion:
I was a little hesitant at first about publishing this post, being that it doesn't really make much sense. Clearly I did decide to make it public, partly because there are a lot of times when getting the job done involves recognizing/managing/overcoming a lot of these seemingly trivial internal dramas and partly because it seems we generally don't consider these kinds of exercises as part of our work processes and as a result make little or no room for them even though we all know they occur quite frequently.
¿What strategies or coping mechanisms do you, dear reader, employ/deploy when managing a relationship with time?
x
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